How to Practice Gratitude When It Ain’t Easy

Posted by Maia Duerr on 6:00 am in Spirit | 10 comments

 

“In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful,
but gratefulness that makes us happy.”

~Brother David Steindl-Rast

This article is based on a dharma talk given at Upaya Zen Center. If you’d like to listen to the talk, you can find it here in Upaya’s wonderful Dharma Podcast collection.

________________

One morning a few weeks ago during a cold spell, I was on my way to the laundromat and decided to stop at a bakery. My heart was set on a “cinnamon melt roll” (a speciality of the Sage Bakehouse, if you ever visit Santa Fe).

I could visualize how wonderful it would be to munch on it, accompanied by a piping hot cup of coffee. I was practically salivating as I imagined biting into that crispy, sweet bunch of dough.

As the fates would have it, when I got inside the bakery there was only cinnamon roll left.

I stood patiently in line as one person after another ordered. And still the roll was there. Finally, the woman in front of me placed her order. She got a cup of coffee, was just starting to choose a muffin, and then her eyes landed on the last cinnamon roll. She changed her mind and got it instead of the muffin. I could feel my grasping move into high gear… oh, the agony!

What does this have to do with gratitude? Not much, on the surface. I’ll get back to this story in a moment.

We usually think of gratitude for things like family, friends, good food to eat, warm homes to gather in, and the abundance of our natural world. All these things are most worthy of our gratitude. It’s so essential that we don’t take them for granted, that we practice thankfulness for all these gifts that we are so privileged to receive.

But that’s kind of like Gratitude 101.

I believe that gratitude shows its true power not so much when we are grateful for the good things in our life, but when we can practice it in the face of what is difficult and challenging.

In other words, when life turns us upside down, staying in an attitude of thankfulness is the key to unconditioned happiness and equanimity. But how to do that?

Back to the cinnamon roll. There was that cinnamon roll that I lusted after and didn’t get… and there was the woman standing in front of me who got it. Instead of me.

In that very moment, I was aware of the sense of suffering rising up inside me, and I made a choice to park it. I made a conscious choice to practice gratitude even though I didn’t get what I wanted.

I said a silent ‘thank you’ to the woman who got the roll. At that moment, I wasn’t even sure why I should be thankful, only that it was a much better alternative than stewing about something I didn’t get that I didn’t need in the first place.

Within a moment I was able to shift from feeling resentful to feeling contentment with the muffin I ended up getting. I also had a genuine feeling of mudita, sympathetic joy, as I hoped that the woman who got “my” cinnamon roll was enjoying it as much as I envisioned enjoying it a few moments earlier. That felt a whole lot better than being irritated about it.

That’s a fairly trivial example. Let me give you a more profound one.

This story comes from Buddhist teacher Norman Fischer, who was remembering a talk given by Issan Dorsey many years ago. Issan was a Zen priest who founded the Hartford Street Zen Center in San Francisco. In his earlier life, Issan had been a female impersonator and was quite an outrageous person, in the best sense of the word. He contracted the HIV virus and eventually died of AIDS in 1990.

For many of us, the first response to learning that we had a terminal illness might be to think, “Why me?” During this particular talk that Norman was relating, Issan spoke about his experience of having AIDS and said,

“I don’t say, why me? I say, why not me?”

These are Norman’s words about this:

As far as I remember, Issan accepted his condition with a grace and cheer that was truly remarkable. Rather than complaining about what he had that he didn’t want, he took pleasure in his condition, he enjoyed his health and his illness up until the day he died.

Saying “why me” means we see ourselves as separate beings among many beings. We want good things for ourselves and we want to avoid bad things.

Saying “why not me” means that we know that we belong with everything and everyone, we aren’t separate. What can happen to any one of us can happen to me and I can accept it. It’s not a tragedy and it’s not a surprise. Gratitude is wide enough even to cover our own suffering.

Perhaps one of the reasons why gratitude is so powerful in those difficult situations is that it anchors us in remembering our essential connection to each other rather than dwelling in the illusion of separateness that causes so much suffering.

I want to share with you these phrases from a Korean Buddhist text that have lived on my refrigerator for the past few years.  Although the list never uses the word “gratitude,” it gives us an algorithm for how to transform a negative situation into a positive one…. and gratitude is a natural byproduct of this process.

Ten Guides Along the Path
(Powang Sammaeron)

1. Don’t hope for perfect health. Perfect health leads only to greater greed. “Treat illness as medicine, not disease”—so spoke the Enlightened One.

2. Don’t long for a life free from hardship–such a life leads only to haughtiness and self-pampering. “Make worries and hardships a way of life”—so spoke the Enlightened One.

3. Don’t hope for a lack of impediments in your study. “Release is hiding right behind obstructions”—so spoke the Enlightened One.

4. Don’t hope for a lack of temptations in your training. A lack of temptations will only serve to soften your resolve. “Treat temptations as friends who are helping you along the path”—so spoke the Enlightened One.

5. Don’t hope for easy success. Easy accomplishment leads only to increased rashness. “Accomplish through difficulties”—so spoke the Enlightened One.

6. Don’t hope to get your own way with friends. Having friends give in to your wishes only leads to arrogance. “Make long-term friends through compromise in your relationships”—so spoke the Enlightened One.

7. Don’t expect people to follow your wishes or commands. This, too, leads to arrogance. “Consider those who differ with you to be your character builders” —so spoke the Enlightened One.

8. Don’t expect rewards for your kindnesses. This leads only to a scheming mind. “Throw out expectation of rewards like you’d thrown out old shoes” —so spoke the Enlightened One.

9. Don’t expect more out of life than you deserve. Exaggerated profit-seeking leads only to foolishness. “Become rich at heart with small amounts” —so spoke the Enlightened One.

10. Don’t complain about vexations. This leads only to resentment and poison in the heart. “Consider vexations as the first door on the path”—so spoke the Enlightened One.

These phrases point us toward viewing obstacles as opportunities, challenges as gifts along our spiritual path.

When I look back on my own life, I can see how so many of the events that at the time were incredibly difficult for me led me to something much greater, either in some tangible outcome or simply by helping me to develop qualities such as compassion and forgiveness.

Relationships that fell apart, jobs that didn’t meet my expectations, physical illness, financial challenges — all of these were portals for my own spiritual growth once I saw them from that perspective.

So it seems to me that the key to practicing gratitude in the face of difficult situations is to ask ourselves:

• Can I be thankful for this experience?
• What opportunity does it open up for me?
• How does it remind me of my connection with others?

Gratitude actually is a practice. We need to make an effort to cultivate it, though this can be a joyful effort. We can use phrases, for example, that will trigger a feeling of gratitude. Even if we can’t rationally figure out why we should be thankful for something, we can practice saying “Thank you” and see what that does to our minds. Another phrase you might try is simply saying “Yes” to whatever conditions you encounter — pleasurable, painful, or neutral.

Zen happens to be a wonderful practice for reinforcing gratitude, because so many of the forms provide us with embodied reminders of gratefulness. All the bowing that we do in the zendo, for example, is a way of deeply acknowledging what is right in front of us and expressing thanks for it, whether that is the Buddha, our sangha friends, our teacher, or our meditation cushion.

Consider this radical proposition: the appropriate response to everything is gratitude.

Think back on a difficult, challenging time or experience in your life. As you look at it now, can you see what gifts that might have brought to you? Can you be thankful for the experience, now in retrospect?

______________________

I’d love to stay in touch with you! When you sign up for my mailing list, you’ll receive my monthly newsletter with reflections on life and liberation, as well as my e-book, “9 Keys to a Liberated Life.”

 

 

Poetry for a Dark Night

Posted by Maia Duerr on 6:00 am in Creativity, Spirit | 4 comments

Sunlight feels precious now, as each day grows shorter and the nights last longer. In this darkening time, I seek light wherever it can be found.

This week, I was going through some cards and notes from beloved friends and came across this poem that someone shared with me many years ago. I am in a kind of wordless space myself right now, journeying through some deep inner territories, so I am happy to let this poem speak for me. Perhaps it will illuminate something for you as well.

Blessings to all of you!

 

Above the mountains
the geese turn into
the light again
Painting their
black silhouettes
on an open sky.

Sometimes everything
has to be
inscribed across
the heavens

so you can find
the one line
already written
inside you.

Sometimes it takes
a great sky
to find that

small, bright
and indescribable
wedge of freedom
in your own heart.

Sometimes with
the bones of the black
sticks left when the fire
has gone out

someone has written
something new
in the ashes of your life.

You are not leaving
you are arriving.

~ David Whyte

How to Do a Reflection and Intention Process for the New Year

Posted by Maia Duerr on 6:00 am in Spirit | 9 comments

This is becoming a Liberated Life Project annual tradition! For the past two years, I have published this post and it’s been a favorite for a lot of folks. Since there are many new members of “Team Liberation” this year, I thought I’d share it again, with a few updates. This is a very experiential post, so get out your pen and journal!

_________________

These last few weeks of the year are a great time to pause and look back at where you’ve come from and ahead toward where you’d like to go. Some people use this time to do assessments or evaluations of their past year and then come up with resolutions or goals.

I think evaluations and goals are useful… but I’m a bigger fan of reflections and intentions.

Reflections are similar to evaluations, but more subjective in tone. They can even be poetic. Rather than making a laundry list of your achievements over the last 12 months, doing a reflective process is an invitation to explore the feeling tones of your year. What you’ve actually done is important, of course, but understanding some of the deeper waves of emotion and spirit that have washed through your life this past year can bring some catalytic insights.

The difference between intentions and goals is more distinct. Intentions come from the heart and soul – they are rooted in the values that are most important to you. An intention is connected to your life’s purpose and is a specific way of expressing it at a given time in your life.

Goals are an explicit manifestation of those intentions. And objectives take that one step further, giving us tangible ways to measure if we are meeting our goals.

Let’s say that my intention is to be in vibrant good health, because that’s how I am best able to contribute to the world — and making a contribution is one of my core values. One of the goals I could set for that intention would be to exercise more consistently. The objective then might be: go to the gym three mornings a week and do a cardio workout for at least 30 minutes.

I’ve found that my goals are much more powerful if I back myself up one step and connect with my deepest intentions.

Over the past 10 years, I’ve developed my own Reflection and Intention process, refining the flow and the questions each year. When I’m really on top of things, I’ll set aside a day at the turn of every season to do this process. At the very least I make sure to do this process once a year, usually in the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day. What I’m about to describe is the process that works best for me. I invite you to make it your own in whatever way feels right for you.

How to Do Your Own Reflection and Intention Process

Give yourself at least one full day to go through this process. Go to a favorite place where you can be assured of solitude and quiet. Bring a journal and your favorite pen. (By the way, I think the process takes on a whole different dimension if you write it out by hand rather than tapping it out on a computer.) You may also want to bring your calendar from the past year as well as any journals you’ve kept to help remind you what’s transpired during this time.

If you have some kind of spiritual or contemplative practice that helps you connect with yourself like meditation or yoga, begin your day with that.

Then allow yourself lots of time to reflect and write on the following questions:

1) What am I celebrating? What am I grateful for? What has been wonderful and magical about this past year?

2) What is one aspect about myself that I have especially loved this year? What am I proud of?

3) What would I have done differently this year?

4) What do I want to let go of?

5) What do I want to call in for the new year?

Creating space to allow this process to unfold is crucial. Give yourself at least 30 minutes to journal on each question. Take a break between each question, return to your yoga or meditation practice for a while, or take a walk. Switching gears like this is balm for the creative and reflective self.

If you think you’ve come to the end of your writing after a short time, wait a few moments more and see what comes. If you need some prompts to get you further, you might want to use the same five categories that I use for the Liberated Life Project: Spirit, Creativity, Relationships, Livelihood/Finances, and the World We Live In (engagement with your larger community). Explore each of those areas in relation to the above questions.

More About the Questions

• The first three questions are the reflective ones, questions that should evoke enough memories and thoughts to paint a meaningful picture of your life over the past year, and also to exercise your gratitude muscle. It’s fine to list some of the things that you’ve accomplished this year, but make sure to dig one level deeper to notice why those things are important to you, and how you got there. Did you have to break some old habits or patterns to do these things?

• The fourth question begins to open the door for intentions for the new year. It recognizes the truth that we often have to let go of old beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors in order to make space for new ones to take root in our lives.

• The fifth question is the most akin to goals and planning for the new year, but allow yourself to paint in fairly broad strokes here. This is all about vision and intention at this stage. Try to connect to your most heartfelt aspiration here, both for your life and for the state of the planet right now. It really is okay to be as general as saying that you want to live in more abundance in the coming year, and that you envision peace on earth. You’ll get more specific later.

As part of this fifth question, it can also be helpful to create a Vision Board (also known as a Dream Board) to give your vision and intentions a graphic dimension. Here’s an example of a Vision Board from my friend, Aysha Griffin, and her description of the process:

And Finally…

After you’ve completed your day of reflection and journaling, let this process sit for a week or so. Then set aside a block of two or three hours, return to to what you’ve written, and fill in the details for question #5. This is when goals and objectives take their place. You might want to use a template like the one that Chris Guillebeau (author of The Art of Non-Conformity) provides in his Annual Review.

If you’ve gone through the process described above, your goals and objectives will be firmly rooted in your deepest intentions, and that will provide you with an amazing spark throughout the year. 

The last thing I want to say about this process is to be gentle with yourself, both in the way that you reflect on your life — honesty, yes, but please, no harshness! — and also how you carry your intentions and goals into the new year. There’s nothing worse than being a slave to a New Year’s resolution and then being devastated when you don’t keep it.

This is about living from a place of love and intention, not willpower and grit.

My Personal Intentions for 2013

My birthday falls at a handy time… it’s always right around Thanksgiving, so I have a lot of reason to consider what I’m grateful for over the past year and then I get a whole month to form my intentions and goals for the coming year.

For this coming year, I feel quite clear that my first intention is to “Create Space.” I notice how over the past few years I have said “yes” to more and more things, not all of which are aligned with my deepest purpose. It is time to release those things in order to allow new opportunities to flow through.

My second intention has to do with “Finding My Voice.” Over this past year, I’ve had several opportunities to step into more teaching and leadership roles. I’ve given a couple of dharma talks at Upaya Zen Center (one on ‘sanity’ and one on ‘gratitude‘), and I’ve offered my own e-course right here on “Falling in Love with Your Work.” In all those instances, I felt like I was tapping into some rich vein of gold. I have begun to realize just how much I have to offer, not in an egotistical way, but from a place that comes from my most authentic self.

I want to learn more about that gold mine! I have a vision of traveling around the U.S. (and Canada) in the coming year to meet some of you, to offer talks and half-day workshops related to the themes we explore here on the LLP, and to continue ‘finding my voice.’ Let me know if you’d be interested in hosting me for a visit to your town!

How about you? Do you have some kind of year-end reflection process? What are you celebrating from 2012? What are your deepest intentions for this coming year? If you could fly a banner above your head to remind yourself of your theme for 2013, what would it say? Please share it with us here!

______________

Enjoyed this article? Want to get posts from the Liberated Life Project delivered to your in-box? Become a member of “Team Liberation” and you’ll also get a free e-book: “31 Quotes for Living a Liberated Life.”