photo by Steven Harper

For the past month I’ve been away from this blog, and in the thick of my life.

I’ve been contemplating how to return to writing here on the Liberated Life Project… what kind of profound splash could I make to re-enter this space. Especially since it’s now re-designed, thanks to the talents of Anoki Casey.

But I feel quiet.

Is it possible to be speechless and have a blog?

Inspired by the approach taken by another blogger I admire who also took a break, Bindu Wiles, I am settling into the idea of giving you some of the highlights of my last month… kind of like those “what I did during summer vacation” essays we had to write when we were young.

So here goes:

• I loved sharing time with an old friend who came to visit me here in Santa Fe, as we indulged in endless green chile chicken enchiladas (wrapped in blue corn tortillas) with a side of pozole and sopapillas. I swear to you this is the greatest meal in the world… if I knew I were about to die, this would be the last meal I would order.
• Over the past couple of months, I got a chance to meet two online acquaintances who  became ‘in-the-flesh’ friends. Writer, activist, and yoga teacher Marianne Elliott, from New Zealand, was in New Mexico for a writing retreat — and we shared a lovely ride to the airport. Another writer whom I admire, Martine Joelle, was kind enough to meet me at the Ferry Building during my time in San Francisco for a “freedom walk.”
• I was immersed in 10 days of intensive Buddhist chaplaincy training at Upaya Zen Center. This is a program that I both direct (in close collaboration with Roshi Joan Halifax) and have been enrolled in for the past year and a half. What a gift to study and practice during that week with Sensei Fleet Maull, Roshi Bernie Glassman, and Cheri Maples. This is what we call visionary chaplaincy… breaking the boundaries of traditional chaplaincy, and practicing to be present in diverse sites of suffering.
• I really felt into the experience of not sharing my words here… and I’ve wondered how to have a healthier relationship to computers and technology. Then I came across Sandra Pawula’s epic article, “A Step-by-Step Guide to Overcoming Digital Overwhelm” on her beautiful Always Well Within blog – highly recommended.
• And speaking of technology, I leveraged the power of social media to do some work on my relationship with food by setting up an “August Nourishment Challenge” group, in cahoots with several Facebook friends. I loved the emotional support and information that our online group shared with each other, and I learned a lot about how I make choices related to food.

So — that list is one layer of letting you know how I am.

The deeper layer is this – I notice that I am feeling more aware of the passing of seasons now than I ever have in my life.

At 49 years old, I am waking up to the fact that I (and all of us) have only a limited number of summers left. I think of my parents, a generation ahead of me, and what it must feel like for them to consider summer, and the bittersweet onset of autumn.

And this past week, I’ve been acutely aware that we are approaching the tenth year since September 11, 2001.

On that day, ten years ago, I was nowhere near Ground Zero. In fact, I was on the other side of the country. At the time, I lived at San Francisco Zen Center. We woke up that morning, as we did all other mornings, and headed to the zendo at 5:20 am for two hours of meditation, service, and work practice.

When we finished, we went to the dining room for breakfast. One of the residents who had watched the news that morning looked extremely distressed, and told some of us that a bomb had hit the World Trade Center. That was how the information first got interpreted.

I got on the Muni bus on Haight Street and rode to work, not fully comprehending the scope of the situation. When I arrived at my office, I turned on the computer and spoke with my supervisor. It became clear that something beyond awful had happened.

You know the rest.

Something shifted inside me that day. I imagine that may be true for many of you as well. On some deep level, I made a decision to live my life differently, to not waste my time in work that didn’t matter, but to dedicate myself to working for peace. It was not a conscious decision, not in the sense that I stood up at any point in time and said that aloud or wrote it. But something definitely shifted.

I had no idea at the time what that change was going to look like. But it has evolved over the last ten years. It informed my decision to work at the Buddhist Peace Fellowship. And to be arrested for civil disobedience in an effort to stop the 2003 war on Iraq.  It is a thread that has run through all my writing since then.

So what I want to end with here is remembering the awakening that came to me that day, in my own modest way, as I realized how short, precious, and utterly unpredictable life is.

Life is too short to not find the way through our own suffering and dramas so that we can be available to truly be of service to this world. That is a liberated life. My prayer for myself is: may whatever comes next on this website – and most importantly in my life – be rooted in that intention.

And I am reminded of the chant we do at the end of the night during a Zen retreat:

“Life and death are of supreme importance.
Time passes swiftly and opportunity is lost.
Let us awaken, awaken…. Do not squander your life.”

If you feel moved to share your reflections on Sept 11, or anything else, I’d love to hear them… please leave a comment below.

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